DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2«4 hrs. (35c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs (35c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1J4 

hrs. (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake. 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 4 4 

All on Account of Tolly, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (35c) 6 10 

And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

2V A hrs (50c) 6 6 

Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2 l /\ 

hrs (35c) 7 5 

Assisted by Sadie, 4 acts, 2^4 

hrs (50c) 6 6 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2y 2 hrs (35c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2%. hrs (35c) 6 14 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 3 

Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^4 hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 

134 hrs (25c) 16 2 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs I (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 his. 

(25c) 7 4 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2% h. (25c) 7 4 
Call of the Colors, 2 acts, \y 2 

hrs (25c) 4 10 

Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, 1?4 

hrs (25c) 10 

Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 

2]/ 4 hrs (35c) 8 10 

Civil Service, 3 acts, 2*4 hrs. 

(35c) 6 5 

College Town, 3 acts, 2J4 

hrs (35c) 9 8 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

(35c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, ~ l/ 2 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (35c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 

Enchanted Wood, 1% h.(35c).Optnl 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, \] 2 h. (25( 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

For the Love of Johnny. 3 

acts, 2% his "(50c) 6 3 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

Pk hrs ( 30c ) 9 14 

Gettin' Acquainted, 25 min. 

(35c) 1 2 

Her Honor, the Mavor, 3 acts. 

- T hrs : (35c) 3 5 



High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Jayville Junction, 1% hrs. (25c) 14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

2J4 hrs (35c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2%. hrs (35c) 6 12 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1^4 hrs. 

(35c) 4 5 

Lightuouse Nan, 3 acts, 2 Y\ 

- hrs (35c) 5 4 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 3 4 

Mirandy's Minstrels (30c) Optnl. 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (35c) 4 7 

My Irish Rose, 3 acts, 2Y 2 hrs. 

(35c) 6 6 

Old Maid's Club, 1 }4 hrs. (30c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

1J4 hrs (30c)12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21/2 hrs (25c) 10 .4 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose. 4 acts, 2^h.(35c) 7 4 
Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 

2V A hrs (35c) 7 9 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2*4 

hrs (35c) 10 12 

Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 2^ 

hrs (35c) 5 7 

Safety First, 3 acts, 

2'4 hrs (35c) 5 5 

Southern Cinderella, 3 acts. 2 

hrs (30c) 7 

Spark of Life, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 4 4 

Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2y 2 

hrs (35c) 10 10 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 2 l / 2 h. (35c) 6 5 
Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destinv, 3 acts, 2 l / 2 

hrs (35c) 9 16 

Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2y 2 

'hrs (25c)^ 7 4 

"r j Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs." 

(35c) 6 18 

Trip to Storyiand, \% hrs.(25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2% hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts. 2 

hrs (35c) 7 10 

When Smith Stepped Out, 3 

acts, 2 hrs (50c) 4 4 

Whose Little Bride Are You? 

3 acts, 2y 2 hrs (5£c) 5 5 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, \y 2 nrs. 

(25c) 2 4 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W. RandolphSt., Chicago 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 



A RAPID-FIRE FARCE 



BY 

HARVEY R. DENTON 

Member of National Vaudeville Artists and The Actors' Fund of 
America, and Author of "The Million Dollar Cheque," "The 
Star Witness" "The Eleventh Commandment" "What 
Would You Have Done," "Corinthians 12-15," 
"The Failure of Diggs & Co.," "The So- 
ciety of Failures" Etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

TO 

MILLIE AUDREY EVANS 

The Greatest "Pickaninny" artist the 
stage has ever known, and for whom the 
part of Snowdrop was especially created, 
this little play is lovingly dedicated. 



<T' 



NOTICE 

Production of this play is free 
to amateurs, but the sole profes- 
sional rights are reserved by the 
author, who may be addressed in 
care of the Publishers, Moving 
picture rights reserved. 



©CLO 56055 

(\ 
NOV 20 I9?0 

TMP92-009090 



COPYRIGHT, 1915, BY HARVEY R. DENTON 
Under Title "Entomology" 

COPYRIGHT, 1920, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 



CHARACTERS. 

Charlie Smooth, alias The Kidder. . .Rapid-fire Straight 

Abigail Sniffex Eccentric Old Maid 

Snowdrop Leblanc Dancing Pick 

Expressman Tough ) Stagehand 

r or can 

Officer Muldoox Eccentric Irish ) be omitted. 

Professor Timothy Twitters Fussy Old Man 

Expressman and Muldoon double. 



Place — Miss Sniff en's Home, Ne7v York City 



Time — About Four P. M. Today. 



Time of Playing — About Thirty-five Minutes. 



Lights — Full Throughout. 



/ 



4 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

COSTUMES AND MAKE-UP. 

Smooth — First entrance, convict suit, and over it a very 
long, full raglan-style overcoat, open so as clearly to show 
to audience the convict suit. Soft black hat. Rough shoes 
— fullers' earth. Close crop wig for prison shaven-head 
effect. On second entrance overcoat must be buttoned up 
tight and legs of convict suit trousers must be rolled se- 
curely up far enough to be invisible. Third entrance, down 
the stairs, entire change to be black frock coat and black 
trousers, square-toed shoes like Professor's, only patent 
leather, white shirt and a collar and stock tie on the same 
order as Professor's only more modern. 

Abigail — First entrance, street dress, very old-fashioned, 
even to the point of exaggeration. Second entrance, no 
coat, hat or gloves, but same dress — old-fashioned flowered 
goods. The dress must be distinctly funny in its out-of- 
dateness, but not loud or ugly. Face make-up about sixty or 
sixty-five, but there must emphatically be absolutely no lin- 
ing of a kind to make her grotesque. She is eccentric and 
ridiculous, but, although frankly burlesque, never low bur- 
lesque. Wig with bang and sausage curls. 

Snowdrop — Crease paint number 20, not burnt cork. 
Pick wig with four pigtails tied with colored ribbons. Cute 
little house dress with apron. Flat or dancing shoes. 

Professor — First entrance, great coat, large muffler, arc- 
tics, woolen mitts, earlaps, old-fashioned tall-crowned, 
straight-brimmed silk hat. Second entrance, gray frock 
coat and trousers, old-fashioned plaid waistcoat with heavy 
seal watch fob. Square-toed dull-black shoes. Eyeglasses 
on ribbon. Wig, bald except for fringe of hair round sides 
and back and snake lock ; but over bald part is worn a wig 
on the toupee order, which conceals baldness until Smooth 
takes toupee off. 

THE WORK. 

The work throughout is absolutely rapid-fire. Smooth 
works in a very slick offhand manner, speaking all the time 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 5 

in a kidding way, especially in the scenes with Abigail. 
Abigail works very gushingly, like an old woman trying 
her best to be young and kittenish. It is better to overdo 
her than to underdo her. Snowdrop works very light and 
skipping, always dancing about and making a kick at every 
exit. Professor works very fussy, with short nervous little 
movements, flitting about like a restless old bird. Express- 
man works as tough as possible. Muldoon works as nearly 
as possible like the late Jimmie Russell — large and floridly 
masculine with a mincing walk, a smirk and feminine ways. 

IMPORTANT PROPERTIES. 

Watch, bracelet, hair combs and necklace for Abigail. 
Wallet, stuffed-out, for Smooth. 
Trunk, must be steamer size. 
Long-handled botanist's net for Professor. 
Twelve packages of different sizes for Professor. 

FIRE ESCAPE BACKING 

5 

CHAIR 




(this PORTION OF 
STAGE MUST BE 
KEPT CLEAR.) 




When the back-flat cannot be obtained, use C. D. F. and put 
door across C. D. for window. Stairs can be omitted. In the actual 
set the stairs come much nearer to the R. 1. entrance. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; L., left; 
/ E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., right entrance 
up -stage, etc. ; up stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near 
footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 



At rise, electric bell very loud and continuous off L. 
Continue bell, making comedy rings, such as buck-and-wing 
breaks, mosquito parade, etc., until just before entrance of 
Expressman. 

Smooth enters at rise through window, appearing head 
first from below as though climbing up fire escape. Looks 
hastily around and crosses toward door R. As he gets just 
above door he sneezes. Stops, puts hand over mouth and 
looks about, alarmed. Overcoat falls open, disclosing con- 
vict uniform to audience. 

Abigail. (Start calling "Snowdrop" while still off stage. 
the instant the curtain rises. Slie enters door R., walking 
at dozvn-stage angle, and stands fumbling with glove, fac- 
ing down stage so she does not see Smooth, who is just 
above her.) 

Abigail. Snowdrop! Answer the bell! (Stands with 
back toward banisters of stairs.) 

Smooth. (Creeps softly toward door R., when he sud- 
denly sneezes again.) 

Abigail. (Jumps around right, making a both-feet-off- 
the-floor jump as in pantomime.) 

Smooth. (Jumps in same manner at the same instant, 
which brings him left of Abigail instead of right, but still 
behind her. The instant this business is finished he sneezes 
again.) 

Abigail. (Jumps around in same manner, facing left.) 

Smooth. (Jumps around behind her at the same instant 
she jumps, and as he lands right of her he quickly slides 
through door R.) 
( . Ill the above business must go like a streak of lightning.) 

Abigail. Oh, dear, I'm so nervous ! I thought I heard 
some one sneeze. Snowdrop! Answer that bell! Snow- 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 7 

drop! Where are you? Snowdrop! (Snowdrop looks 
about, gradually backing up close against banisters.) 

SxowDRor enters, sliding down banisters, bumps into 
Abigail. 

Snowdrop. Hyere Ah is, Miss Abbie ! 

Abigail {jumps nervously, dropping reticule and gloves). 
Heavens ! Child, how you startled me ! Answer that bell 
— the neighbors will think it's a fire ! 

Snowdrop. Yas'm — yas'm! (Dances off L.) 

Abigail (giggles girlishly, picks up bag and gloves and 
resumes putting on gloves). Oh, dear! I wonder if every 
bride-to-be feels shivery? I'm all in a fluster! What if he 
should arrive today after all, and my new gown not ready ! 

Expressman enters L., bearing trunk. 

Snowdrop (follows behind him). Keerful now! Doan 
bump de walls ! Doan scruff up de cyarpet ! Doan bang de 
cheers ! 

Expressman (crosses to foot of stairs and slams down 
trunk. Very tough). Say! Wot d'yer t'ink I am, er trained 
seal? (Crosses L.) 

Snowdrop. Hey! Look hyere, man! Dat trunk wants ter 
go upstairs ! 

Expressman (pauses and looks around). Well, I ain't 
stoppin' it ! 

Snowdrop. Yo's er fresh mug! 

ExpressMan (times cross so as to be exactly in door L. 
for this speech. Plant this speech as it is sure-fire). Ah, 
blow up de chimney, smoke! (Exit quickly, L.) 

Abigail. Oh, mercy ! What a very rude man ! He's got 
me all of a tremble ! 

(This is the one weak scene in the act, but it is abso- 
lutely essential because it places the plot. Therefore, bear 
in mind these two facts: It is Plot Material, hence it must 
be planted fat, but it is weak, there being not a laugh in it 
(one whole minute without a laugh), hence it must be 
played quickly and snappily.) 



8 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Snowdrop. Lawse, Miss Abbie, yo' as nervous as er 
bride ! 

Abigail (simpers). Tee-hee! Oh, Snowdrop, how 
strange that you should say that when I am a bride! 

Snowdrop. Yo' is! 

Abigail. Well, almost. 

Snowdrop. "Almost!'' Huh! Dat ain't no good! (To 
audience.) 

Abigail. Well, we can't be married till the Professor 
gets here, can we? 

Snowdrop. Oo, golly, yo's gonter ma'y dc Perfesserf 

Abigail (coyly). Yes. 

Snowdrop (excitedly interested). What he look like? 

Abigail (confused). I don't know. 

Snowdrop. Doan know what he look like? Yo' mus' er 
done yo' co'tin' in er dark room ! 

Abigail. I've never met him. 

Snowdrop. Nebber met him ! An' yo's gonter ma'y him ? 
(To audience.) Dat's some gamblin'! 

Abigail. I put an advertisement in a matrimonial paper 
and the Professor answered it. That was six months ago. 
and now he's coming all the way from Jacksonville, Flor- 
ida, to marry me. (No movement on this speech.) 

Snowdrop. Am dat his trunk? 

Abigail. Yes. He checked it through because he had 
to stop over in Washington. Get the janitor to put it in the 
spare room upstairs. (Crosses to door L. during speech.) 

Snowdrop. Yas'm. 

Abigail. The Professor wrote that he might be able to 
get here today — so if he arrives during my absence treat 
him with every courtesy and don't cut any monkeyshines ! 
Remember, he is your future master ! 

Snowdrop. Yas'm, Ah'll be good. 

Abigail. And now to the dressmaker's to try on my 
wedding gown! (Exit L. } very gushingly.) 

Snowdrop (mimics her walk, follows her L. a few steps, 
and gushing tones). Try awn mah weddin' gaown ! 

Smooth enters on Abigail's exit and crosses to C. Be 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 9 

careful to have overcoat fastened so as not to shozu convict 
suit on this entrance. 

Snowdrop (makes sweeping turn R., holding out im- 
aginary train of wedding gown and humps into Smooth). 
Golly, man, yo'-all scared me ! Whar yo' come from ? 

Smooth. The Hudson River Vocal College, originally. 
More recently from Jacksonville, Florida. 

Snowdrop. Oh! Am yo' Perfesser Twitters? 

Smooth. I'm the bird. 

Snowdrop. Yo'-all mus' be er magic perfesser. Ah 
didn't se yo' come in. 

Smooth. I came by wireless. 

Snowdrop. By wireless? 

Smooth (illustrating with slick clean-cut gestures). Yes 
— the Wireless Express. An invention of my own. You 
press the button, thus creating an air wave. Jump into the 
wave, being careful not to spill the currents, and — off you 
go! 

Snowdrop (to audience). Dat man ain't right. 

Smooth. I came in the back way to surprise your mis- 
tress. (Looks at trunk as though seeing it for the first 
time.) Ah! I see the rag-box beat me to it! 

Snowdrop. Huh? Oh, de trunk. Yassuh. De dog- 
gone 'spressman wouldn't take it upstairs. 

Smooth. Never mind, I'll take it up myself, little Choc- 
olate Drop. 

Snowdrop (grins). Lil' Chocolate Drop! He's er nice 
man ! 

Smooth. I'll just get out of my traveling clothes and 
put on a fresh suit. (Unconsciously removes hat and 
scratches his head, disclosing his prison-cropped head.) 

Snowdrop. All right, Perfesser. Yo'll find yo' room all 
ready fo' yo'. suh — head er de stairs. (Suddenly sees his 
head and stops short, mouth open.) 

Smooth. What's the matter? 

Snowdrop. Mah Ian', Perfesser, whar yo' hair? 

Smooth (with a start puts hand to head). My hair! 



10 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

( Quickly puts hat on again.) Well, you see, a bull chased 
me up the river and the singing teacher trimmed me. 

Snowdrop (to audience). Ah hyears squirrels rouir 
hyere somewhar. 

Smooth (starts to pick up trunk — stops). Oh, by the 
way— I'm expecting my grandfather any minute. He's 
down the street playing marbles with the boys. 

Snowdrop. Playin' marbles ! 

Smooth. Second childhood. He's a little — er, you know. 
(Points to head, does comedy "cracked" business.) 

Snowdrop (in a lowered voice, a little scared). Bugs? 

Smooth. Eh-heh. 

Snowdrop (little more nervous). Am he — am he bad? 

Smooth. Not often. 

Snowdrop. H — how often? 

Smooth. Once a month he gets a violent fit. 

Snowdrop. H — has he had d — dis month's yet? 

Smooth. No. It usually comes on the fifteenth. 

Snowdrop (rolls her eyes around to a large wall calendar 

hanging on flat. It reads in big letters September 15). 

Smooth. But sometimes he skips a day. 

'Snowdrop. K — kin yo' t — tell if he's gwine ter s — skip? 

Smooth. Oh, yes. He's all right till he gets to think- 
ing I'm his grandfather and lie's the Professor. If he in- 
troduces himself as Professor Twitters, that's a sure sign 
the fit's coming on. 

Sxowdrop. Wh — what do he do? 

Smooth. Sometimes he bites. Sometimes he stabs. 

Snowdrop. Oh lor-r-rd ! 

Smooth. But don't be alarmed. It's easy to calm him. 

Snowdrop. Whut'll Ah do? 

Smooth. Sing him a nursery rhyme. If that don't 
smooth him, dance the Highland Fling and the Sailor's 
Hornpipe — he loves those two dances. 

(Bell off L.) 

Snowdrop (jumps nervously). M-mebbe dat's him! 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 11 

Smooth {puts trunk on shoulder and starts upstairs). 
Do what I told you and he won't hurt you. 
(Bell off L., louder.) 

Snowdrop (has started to cross L. as bell rings again, 
makes funny jump, stops and calls up to Smooth). P-P- 
Perfesser ! 

Smooth (stops on first landing). Yes? 

Snowdrop. K-kin gran-paw read riggers? 

Smooth. Sure. Why? 

Snowdrop (tears leaf from calendar, lea: 'nig it reading 
September 16). Mebbe he'll think he's done had dat 
fit. (Smooth laughs and goes upstairs to second landing.) 
(Bell off L., very impatient.) 

Snowdrop (mho is edging gingerly L.). P-P-Perf esser ! 
(Jumps at bell.) 

Smooth (stops on second landing). Hello? 

Snowdrop. H-how did he 1-look w'en yo' s-seen him 
last? W-wuz he ex-excited? 

Smooth. Oh, not very. 

Snowdrop. Not berry! Oh lor-r-rd ! 
( Bell off L., violent.) 

Snowdrop (jumps as before and exit L., trembling). 

Smooth. In about two seconds there'll be something do- 
ing! (Disappears with trunk on second landing off R.) 

Professor Twitters bustles nervously in, followed by 
Snowdrop, L. lias arms full of bundles, carries old-fash- 
ioned <carpet-bag and under his arm is a long-handled bot- 
anist's net. (See "Costumes and Make-Up") He is a very 
excitable little man and keeps continually moving about 
with short, restless, nervous little steps as he talks. 

Professor Twitters. Dear me ! Dear me ! How very 
long you were opening the door, my dear. Why, I declare, 
I — I'm quite chilled ! 

Snowdrop (gazing at his great coat, mittens, etc.). He 
must ca'y er oil-stove round with him w'en it gits winter! 

Professor (crosses over R. and puts bundles, bag and 
net down on chair). I almost began to think there was no- 
body home. 



12 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Snowdrop (to audience). Dere ain't. 

Professor. What did you say, my dear? 

Snowdrop. Ah say, look out fer de paint! 

Professor (backs hastily azvay from newel-post) . Paint! 
Good gracious! My new coat! Is — er, ahem! Is your mis- 
tress in? 

Snowdrop. No, suh. She at de dressmaker's tryiir on 
her double harness. 

Professor. Double harness? Oh, you mean her wedding 
habiliments. 

Snowdrop. She didn't say nuffin ter me 'bout Billy 
Ments. 

Professor (fussing with bundles and paying wo attention 
to what she says). My trunk is here, I presume? 

Snowdrop, De Perfesser's trunk am here. Ah dunno 
'bout yo's, suh. 

Professor Well, that is. the same — oh! (Smiles.) Of 
course! How stupid of me! I haven't introduced myself. 
I am Professor Timothy Twitters, A.B., M.A., Ph.D., Dean 
Emeritus of the Entomological Department of the School 
of Synthetic and Analytical Biology in the University of 
Dixie, Jacksonville, Florida. (Delivers last sentence with- 
out pause or inflection.) 

Snowdrop. Columbia record! 

Professor. I beg pardon — ? 

Snowdrop. I say, yo' hab some record. 

Professor (pleased — smiles). Well, yes, I believe it i-s 
rather creditable, if I may be pardoned for saying so. Now, 
•since my trunk is here, I think I'll just change my clothes 
and spruce up a bit before Miss Sniffen returns. Oh, I 
have a little present here for your mistress. (Selects parcel 
from heap.) A rare specimen of the fililoo-bug. Put him 
in the kitchen near the stove and don't let him get in a 
draft. You have to be very careful how you treat bugs. 
(Hands her package.) 

Snowdrop (takes package at arm's length). He'd 
oughter know. 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 13 

Professor. Now, if you'll kindly tell me where my room 
is, my dear — 

Snowdrop. De Perfesser's room's at de head of de 
stairs. Ah specs yo'll hafter bunk in wid him. 

Professor. My dear child, are you hard of hearing? 
I've just told you that 7" am Professor Twitters. 

Snowdrop (soothingly). Now, now! Yo' jus' go up- 
stairs and de Perfesser'll fix yo' up O. K. 

Professor (becoming irritated at last, speaks emphat- 
ically, taking a step or two towards her). How many times 
must I tell you that (speaks very emphatically, slightly rais- 
ing voice) I — am — the — Professor! 

Snowdrop (backs away). Dat's all right ! Dat's all right ! 
Doan get excited, granpaw ! 

Professor. ''Grandpa !" T-t-t ! Such impertinence ! 

Snowdrop (points to calendar). Did yo' see de calen- 
dar, granpaw? Did yo' see de calendar? 

Professor. Well, well, what about the calendar? 

Snowdrop (half sings her words, smiling broadly and 
hopping about in a semi-dance, in the manner of one trying 
to amuse a baby, bringing her voice up in rising inflection 
every time she gets to the word "date"). See de date, gran- 
paw, see de date! 

Professor (testily). Yes, yes, I see the date. It's wrong. 

Snowdrop (still singing words and swaying from side to 
side). Oh, no, it ain't! 

Professor. Oh, ye-e-s it i-i-is. (Same business as 
Snowdrop.) Why she's got me crazy! 

Snowdrop (same business). Oh, no, it a-a-ain't ! 

Professor (very exasperated). I say it is! Don't you 
suppose I know what day of the month it is! (Removes 
glasses and opens mouth to breathe on them, taking step 
tozuards her.) 

Snowdrop (as he opens mouth she backs away). Doan 
bite, granpaw ! Doan bite ! 

Professor (starts to breathe on glasses, stops and stares 
at her). What on earth is the matter with the child? 



14 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

{Reaches to breast pocket for handkerchief to polish 
glasses. ) 

Snowdrop {as he readies to pocket she holds up pack- 
age Professor has green her). Doan pull dat knife, gran- 
paw — else Ah'll sqush dishyere fililoo-bug ! 

Professor (has taken handkerchief from breast pocket 
— stops, stares at Snowdrop, backs away in alarm). Bless 
my soul! I' believe she's a little off! 

Snowdrop. Rock-a-bye, granpaw, awn de tree-top — etc. 
(Sings nursery song and does Highland Fling and Sailor's 
Horn pipe.) 

Professor. Merciful heavens ! The child's mad ! 

Smooth enters down the stairs, now dressed in Profes- 
sor's other clothes. (See "Costumes and Make-Up/') Sees 
what is going on, laughs. As lie reaches bottom of stairs 
Professor in backing away from Snowdrop bumps into 
him. 

Smooth. Take your base! 

Professor (with hysterical relief grasps Smooth by 
arm). Oh, my dear sir, my dear sir! 1 never was so glad 
to see anyone in all my life! 

Smooth. I wish I could say the same. (Quickly.) T 
mean, I feel the same way. 

Professor. I was beginning to feel quite alarmed by the 
peculiar antics of your diminutive Ethiopian. 

Snowdrop. Doan yo' call me names, granpaw ! 

Professor. Don't call me grandpa ! 

Smooth. Oh, don't mind Mignonette, She's just play- 
ful. Mignonette, make a bow to the gentleman. 

Snowdrop (makes funny little curtsey and sticks tongue 
out). 

Smooth. Mignonette! For shame! Leave the room! 

Snowdrop. "Mignonette!" (Exit chuckling, L.) 

(This scene from here to Snowdrop's next entrance must 
be played by the two men with extreme rapidity, just like 
a talking act in ''one," and well down stage.) 

Smooth (turning to Professor). Well, Colonel, what's 
your moniker ? 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 15 

Professor (bewildered). My what? 

Smooth. Your badge. Your number. 

Professor (smiles). Oh, my name? I am Professor 
Timothy Twitters of Jacksonville, Florida. And you are — 

Smooth. Doctor Josh Kidder of Fourflush Bluffs, U. 
S. A. Put 'er there, Prof J (Slaps his hand into Profes- 
sor's and livings it hard, pumping arm swiftly tip and 
down.) 

Professor (winces at grip). I — I am very happy to meet 
you, doctor. 

Smooth. What's your graft? 

Professor. My what? 

Smooth. Your bark. Your spiel. What do you sell ? 

Professor. My dear sir, I do not sell anything. 

Smooth. Well, what do you do? How do you cop the 
eats ? 

Professor. Oh, you mean my calling. 

Smooth. Calling! He's a taxi starter! 

Professor. I am a student of entomology. 

Smooth. Over the fence! Bat 'em lower! 

Professor. Entomology is the study of bugs. 

Smooth. Oh, you're a nut doctor! That's my line. 

Professor. Nut doctor? 

Smooth. Yes. A silly specialist. 

Professor. Oh, you are an alienist. 

Smooth. No, I'm an American. Welcome to our little 
factory. 

Professor. Factory ? 

Smooth. Sure. This is a dip-joint. 

Professor. A what ? 

Smooth. A bug ranch. A foolish farm. 

Professor. Good heavens ! Do you mean to say this is 
a lunatic asylum? 

Smooth. Now you've got me. And, believe me, Prof, 
we've got the classiest line of guests of any crazy-house in 
the country. We've got here just now — (use public char- 
acters zvho are being kidded in the newspapers). 

Professor (all upset). Dear me! T came here to meet 



16 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Miss Abigail Sniffen — I must have gotten into the wrong 
house. 

Smooth. Nope — you threw Big Dick the first crack. 

Professor. You — you don't mean — ? 

Smooth. This is Sniffey's coop. 

Professor. Then — then she — she is — ? 

Smooth. Alas! One of the worst we've got. 

Professor. Good Lord! 

Smooth. She's got the chaseritis. 

Professor. The chaseritis? 

Smooth. Yes. All she thinks about is roping a pair of 
jeans. Did she land you with an ad in a furniture maga- 
zine ? 

Professor. Furniture magazine ? 

Smooth. Yes. One of these twin-bed dope sheets. 

Professor. I answered her advertisement in a matrimo- 
nial publication — 

Smooth. That's what I said. It's an old gag of hers, 
Prof. We've had fifty boobs here like you shot full of 
paper arrows. She runs an ad in six different sheets. We 
have to let her do it or she'd get wild. She got away from 
her keeper one day, met one of her postage stamp affinities 
coming in the door, threw her arms around his neck and 
bit his ear off. 

Professor. How dreadful! 

Smooth. If she wasn't loose in the gear, she'd make a 
great wife, because she's got two virtues you seldom find 
in one woman. 

Professor. And what are they ? 

Smooth. She's deaf and dumb. 

Professor. Oh, poor woman! And Mignonette, is -she 
also, er — ? 

Smooth. To let? Yes, poor little child! The attic has 
never been rented. (Takes out handkerchief and wipes eyes 
sadly.) 

Professor. How sad ! 

Smooth. Did she call you grandpa? 

Professor. Yes. 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 17 

Smooth. And dance the Highland Fling and the Sail- 
or's Hornpipe? 

Professor. Yes. 

Smooth, Alas, poor infant! Her grandfather was a 
sailor in the Scotch navy, killed during the battle of Jamie- 
son Three Star in the Bar War — and she has never gotten 
over her loss. 

Professor. Poor little child ! Does she ever get violent ? 

Smooth. Sometimes. But all you've got to do is make 
a noise like a cat. That soothes her — she loves cats. 

Abigail (off L.). What! The Professor here! Oh, dear, 
I'm a sight! 

Smooth (aside). I mustn't let them meet! (To Pro- 
fessor.) Won't you go upstairs and take off your things, 
Prof? 

Professor (nervously) . Well, it's very kind of you, doc- 
tor, but really — er, I'm not used to lunatic asylums, so I — 
really, I — (works L.). 

Smooth (grabs him hastily). I'm sorry, Prof, but just 
as you arrived I got a phone in my private office upstairs 
from the Board of Health. One of our patients has scar- 
let fever and the house is quarantined. 

Professor. Merciful Providence ! Quarantined in a mad- 
house ! 

Abigail (off L.). See if the Professor wants anything. 
Snowdrop enters L. 

Snowdrop. Perfesser, Miss Abbie say do yo'-all want 
any thin' ? 

Professor (takes step tozvard Snowdrop, speaks sooth- 
ingly). Me-ow! Me-ow! Nice cat! Pretty kitty! Me-ow ! 
Me-ow ! 

Snowdrop (backs hastily away). Git away, granpaw, git 
away! (Exit L.) 

Smooth. Don't be afraid. Just go upstairs and- make 
yourself at home. (Leads Professor tozvard stairs.- Pats 
him reassuringly on head. As he does so, Professor's tou- 
pee conies off in Smooth's hand. Smooth hastily puts it 
behind his back.) 



18 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Professor (all a-tremble). Oh dear, oh dear! (Gathers 
up bundles, bag and net.) What a situation! Quarantined 
in a lunatic asylum! Oh dear, oh dear! {Ad lib as he 
ascends the stairs and off R.) 

Smooth (crosses over to mirror and puts on toupee. It 
is really an almost full-size wig, such as are made for 
street wear for totally bald men. It is almost a perfect fit 
and covers Smooth's crop-wig except for a little rim around 
the bottom, giving effect of a bad hair-cut.) Smooth's Pat- 
ent Hair Restorer. Grows 'em while you wait. 

Abigail enters L., arranging hair, patting down dress, 
etc. For dress and working jewelry see "Costumes and 
Make-Up." 

Abigail (gushingly) . Where is the Professor? Where, 
oh, where is my love, my affianced husband, my — (sees 
Smooth — stops in maidenly embarrassment — very coy) oh, 
pardon me, sir. I thought Professor Twitters — 

Smooth (strikes dramatic pose and imitates her gushing 
tones. In all scenes with Abigail he imitates her manner 
in a very strong kidding way.) Darling, don't you know 
me? (Holds out arms wide.) 

Abigail. What! You? (Delighted, but can hardly be- 
lieve her eyes, as the Professor has sent her his picture 
and she expected to see an old man.) You are — ? 

Smooth. I are. 

Abigail (with a squeal of joy runs into his arms and 
throws her arms about his neck, putting her head on his 
up stage shoulder, leaving his face clear to audience). Oh, 
Timothy ! 

Smooth (looking over her shoulder at audience). An- 
other boy gone wrong. 

Abigail. Oh, joy! Oh, bliss! Oh, rapture! 

Smooth. Oh, Hel — 

Abigail (breaks). Professor! 

Smooth (continuing). — len. My Helen! 

Abigail (smiles). Oh! But my name is not Helen. My 
name is Abigail. 

Smooth (very romantically) , Ah, yes! But I prefer to 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 19 

think of you as Helen, Helen of Troy, where the collars 
and shirts come from — Helen, over whom men went mad 
and fought. 

Abigail (tickled to death). Oh, Timothy! (Embraces 
him.) 

Smooth (aside). They must have fought to get away 
from this. 

Abigail. How you make my poor little heart beat. 

Smooth. Is that your heart? I thought it was my Inger- 
soll. 

Abigail (playfully scolding). Professor, how could you 
so deceive me? 

Smooth. Did I deceive you? 

Abigail. You know you did. 

Smooth. I knew that sleep-walking habit would get me 
into trouble some day. (Substitute line I must have been 
doped.) 

Abigail. You sent me a picture of a funny little old 
man, and you are young, tall and handsome. 

Smooth (imitates Abigail's gush very strong). Dearest, 
I did so to test you — to see if you loved me, not for my 
fatal beauty, but for love's sweet sake. 

Professor (upstairs off R.). Mignonette! Mignonette! 

Abigail (startled). Who's that? 

Smooth (mysteriously). Sh ! 'Tis he! 

Abigail (somewhat awed by his tone). He? Who? 

Smooth. He whose likeness I sent you as my own. 

Abigail. The funny little old man? 

Smooth. Yes. (Sadly.) My poor unfortunate grand- 
parent. 

Abigail. Your grandfather? You brought him with 
you? 

Smooth (very sadly). I had to. I couldn't bear to let 
them lock him up. You're not angry with me for bringing 
him? You wouldn't want to have my poor dear old grandpa 
locked up, would you? 

Abigail. Oh, no, no ! But why would they want to lock 
him up? 



20 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Smooth. Alas! The good old soul is squirrel-bait. 

Abigail. Squirrel-bait ? 

Smooth (touching Jiis head significantly). No passen- 
gers — this car for the barn. 

Abigail (shocked). You mean he is unbalanced? 

Smooth. Like a lost bank book. 

Abigail. How did he lose his mind? 

Smooth. Over a woman. 

Abigail (sadly). Oh! 

Smooth. I don't wonder he went crazy, for she looked 
like you. 

Abigail (takes it as meant for a compliment). Oh, Pro- 
fessor! 

Professor (upstairs, louder). Mignonette! Mignonette! 

Abigail. Who is Mignonette? 

Smooth. Ah! She was his loved one. 

Abigail (tearfully). Did she die? 

Smooth (sobbing). Worse! She went to (local town). 

Abigail (nervously) . Does — does he ever get violent? 

Smooth. Yes — but it's easy to quiet him. 

Abigail. What do you do? 

Smooth. Play baseball with him. He was a great fan 
when young, and baseball always soothes him. 

Professor (upstairs, yelling at top of his voice). Migno- 
nette! Come here' this instant! 

Abigail (frightened). He — he seems excited. 

Smooth. Yes, I'm afraid one of his fits is coming on. 
You'd better go to your room while I calm him down. 

Abigail (crosses to door R.). Very well, Timothy. But 
I shall soon return to those manly arms. (Exit giggling, 
door R.) 

Smooth. Not while I've got these manly legs. (Crosses 
to window and looks out.) Darn that cop ! I'll try the front 
way. (Exit L.) 

Professor enters dozmi the stairs. 

Professor. Mignonette ! Doctor Kidder ! Where is 
everybody? Someone has broken open my trunk and stolen 
my clothes. Doctor Kidder! Mignonette! 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 21 

Abigail enters R. 

Abigail. Professor, have you calmed grand — (sees Pro- 
fessor, stops.) 

Professor (sees Abigail). My deaf-and-dumb fiancee. 
(Does deaf-mute talk on fingers at her.) 

Abigail. The Professor's grandfather ! He's going to 
have a fit! I'll try the baseball playing to quiet him. (Does 
pantomime ball playing: Rubs hands in dirt, rolls ball in 
fingers, twists into exaggerated pitcher's position, with one 
leg off ground, throws ball. Does this very quickly, and 
in short, abrupt movements, making brief pause after each 
one in order to separate them and to allow Professor to 
work on them, but makes each pause, though clean-cut, very 
short. At each pause she glares fixedly at Professor with 
a stony hypnotic gaze. She makes all this business just as 
eccentric as possible, but does the actual ball-playing move- 
ments correctly.) 

Professor (works Abigail's pantomime up throughout, 
giving a nervous start at each pause and glare. At finish, 
when she throws ball at him, he does a comedy fall, but 
being very careful to work it legitimately so as to make it 
appear accidental.) That's the strangest deaf-and-dumb al- 
phabet I ever saw! (Works L.) 

Snowdrop enters L. 

Professor (in edging away from Abigail he backs into 
Snowdrop. Jumps hastily away.) 

Snowdrop (jumps back from Professor). Lawsey ! 
Granpaw's gittin' rambunctious! Ah'll hafter ca'm him! 
(Does Highland Fling and Sailor's Hornpipe.) 

Professor. Now she's getting wild again! Me-ow! Me- 
ow ! Nice puss ! Nice kitty ! Me-ow ! Me-ow ! 

Abigail (at R.). Catch the ball, grandpa. (Ball busi- 
ness.) 

Professor (at C). Don't call me grandpa! 

Snowdrop (at L., sings). Rock-a-bye, granpaw, awn de 
tree-top ! 

Professor (violently). Don't call me grandpa! 

Abigail. Good grandpa! Kind grandpa! 



22 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Snowdrop (dancing). Nice granpaw ! Pretty granpaw ! 

Professor (thoroughly frightened, looks from one to the 
other, as he stands between them, quite bewildered.) What 
a terrible position ! Hemmed in between two lunatics ! 
(Does deaf-and-dumb business to Abigail, not noticing in 
the excitement that she has spoken, and then turns and 
makes cat noises at Snowdrop.) 

Smooth enters L. Snowdrop is doing Highland Fling 
and Hornpipe, Abigail is doing ball business, and Profes- 
sor, between them, is alternately doing dumb business to 
Abigail and cat business to Snowdrop. 

Smooth (leans weakly against flat and laughs helplessly) . 
They're off! 

Snowdrop. Does yo' feel better, granpaw? 

Professor (takes step toward her). Don't call me 
grandpa !• 

Smooth (crosses doivn to R. of Professor between him 
and Abigail, soothingly). There, there! Don't get excited. 
She won't hurt you. (Takes his arm and draws him back 
from Snowdrop.) 

Professor (relieved). Oh, doctor! Such a time as T have 
had with your lunatics. 

Snowdrop. Granpaw ! 

Professor (turns quickly and makes dart at her). 

Snowdrop (sticks tongue out and exits quickly L.). 

Abigail (right of Smooth, takes him by arm). Oh, my 
love ! Thank heaven you have returned. Another moment 
and T should have died of fright. 

Smooth (comfortingly). That's all right. I'll put him 
to bed. (Leads her quickly to door R.) Meanwhile, retire 
to your maidenly boudoir. 

Abigail (coyly — giggles). It will not be the boudoir of 
a maiden much longer. (Puts her left hand to face, girl- 
ishly, as if shocked at her own immodesty, and exit door R.) 

Smooth. It will as far as I'm concerned. 

Professor. I thought you said she was deaf and dumb. 

Smooth. She was. (Speaking very professionally, like 
a physician explaining a peculiar medical phenomenon.) 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 23 

But the joy of seeing you was so great that the shock re- 
stored her impaired faculties. 

Professor. Ah, yes — I have heard of such cases. I do 
not regret my trip, then, since my presence has benefited the 
poor creature. 

Smooth. I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Prof, but you'll 
have to have your clothes fumigated of the scarlet fever 
germs before you can leave. Just go upstairs and put your 
suit outside the door. 

Professor (crosses to foot of stairs). But what shall T 
wear, doctor? One of your patients has broken into my 
trunk and confiscated all my wearing apparel. 

Smooth. Oh, don't worry about that. I'll find 'em for 
you. It's probably Mignonette — she's always up to tricks. 
Go upstairs and take it easy. 

Professor (ascending stairs). Oh dear, oh dear! Such 
a position to be placed in! What would the faculty say if 
they knew! (Ad lib till off.) 

Snowdrop (pokes head in cautiously L.). Am de coas' 
cleah ? 

Smooth. Clear as net profit. 

S nowtjrop en tering. 

Snowdrop. Where granpaw? 

Smooth. In his room. You go upstairs and bring his 
clothes down, so he can't get out. 

Snowdrop. Ah dassen't. 

Smooth. You don't have to go in. He'll put them out- 
side the door. (Urges her R.) 

Snowdrop (crosses reluctantly to stairs). Ah's skeered. 
Ah is. 

Smooth. You'd better get 'em, or next time he comes 
down he'll kill you. (Shoves her up the stairs. He works 
this entire scene, from Snowdrop's entrance to her exit. 
extremely quick.) 

Snowdrop (going upstairs, protesting and sniveling). 
Why doan' yo' git de do's? H-he knows yo' ! (On second 
landing.) 



24 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Smooth (calling up to her). I've got to calm Miss Abi- 
gail. 

Snowdrop (exit on second landing off R.). 

Abigail enters R. door. 

Abigail. Did you call me, Timothy? 

Smooth. Venus, the goddess of love! 

Abigail. Oh, you flatterer! 

Smooth. No — perjurer. 

Abigail. Professor, why did your grandfather call you 
"Doctor"? 

Smooth. I used to be veterinary surgeon in the 23rd 
Missouri Infantry. 

Abigail. Oh, you've been in the army! How delightful! 
(Crosses and sits on couch.) Come! Let us sit together 
and read to each other from the books of our lives. 

Smooth. I'll bet hers is a blank book. (Crosses and sits 
on couch beside her.) 

Abigail (snuggles up to him). Now, first, you must tell 
me all the naughty things you have done. 

Smooth. All the naughty things? 

Abigail. Yes — every one. 

Smooth. What time do you have breakfast? 

Abigail. Oh, Timothy, you're such a joker! 

Smooth. I feel like the deuce. 

Abigail. Qh, how I'd love to play with your hair. (Puts 
hand up.) 

Smooth (dodges). It's too young to be played with — I 
just grew it. 

Abigail (suddenly sits up straight and gazes reproach- 
fully at him). Oh, Timothy! 

Smooth (falls into her lap as she takes her shoulder 
from under his elbozv). Car ahead. 

Abigail. Timothy! What do you think? 

Smooth. I'm ashamed to tell you. 

Abigail (reproachfully). You haven't kissed me. 

Smooth, Mother didn't raise her boy to be a soldier. 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 25 

Abigail (strikes demure pose, closes eyes and puckers 
up lips). Timothy! I'm waiting! 

Smooth. Party doesn't answer. 

Abigail (holds pose till kiss). Timmie, kiss your little 
Abbie. 

Smooth. Abbey! A ruined abbey? (Looks at her face.) 
No — impossible. 

Abigail. Ti-i-immie-e-e ! 

Smooth. Goodbye, dear friends, farewell. (Works up 
distaste by mugging ad lib, finally kisses her with loud 
smack.) 

Abigail (clasps her hands in ecstasy). Oh, how sweet is 
love's first kiss. 

Smooth. Ab, how your fragrant breath takes me back 
to the happy scenes of my childhood, in the land where 
I was born ! 

Abigail. And where was that? 

Smooth. Bermuda. 

Abigail (cuddiin'g up to him again). Oh, Timmie, 
you're so attractive. 

Smooth (has arm about her neck — unclasps necklace and 
slips watch off pin, putting them in .his pocket). Yes — they 
say I have a taking way. 

Abigail. With your protecting arms about me I miss 
nothing else. 

Smooth. You will later. (Unclasps bracelet from her 
arm, slips ornamental combs from her hair and puts them 
in his pocket.) 

(Loud noise of arguing off L.) 

Abigail (jumps up). What's that? 

Enter Officer Muldoon and Snowdrop, L. 

Snowdrop. Go 'long, yo' big mick, doan yo' come bustin' 
in dishyere house ! 

Muldoon (angrily). L'ave go av me coat, yiz little divil, 
or I'll put yiz in me pocket. 

Smooth (jumps up, crosses quickly to Muldoon, seizes 
his Ivand and shakes it vigorously.) Well, well, well! This is 



26 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

a surprise ! Where've you been all these days, Chief ? I 
haven't seen you in a coon's age. Sit down, Chief, sit down! 

Muldoon (scowl gives way to a broad smile. Removes 
helmet. Extremely flattered at being addressed as Chief, 
and explains the mistake very reluctantly, hating to relin- 
quish the intense pleasure of the title.) Oi — er — ahem! 
Oi'm afraid ye're — ahem! — (burlesque modesty) — a little 
misthaken, sor. 

Smooth. Mistaken? Why, isn't this my old friend Chief 
of Police Murphy? 

Muldoon (modesty business, still more exaggerated). 
No, sor. Though there's them that do say the office would 
not be unworthily filled. (Makes the mock-modesty very 
strong, and at finish of speech strikes very pronounced pose, 
helmet in left hand held like a silk hat, club in right hand, 
one end against belt, head thrown back, and body swaying 
slightly from side to side. Lines should be spoken a tittle 
like the way Abigail speaks in her coquettish scenes with 
Smooth, somewhat feminine in manner and tone. There 
should be a good laugh in this bit if properly worked up 
between the two men.) 

Smooth. Well, I should say not! Look at that head! 

Muldoon (throws head away back). 

Snowdrop. Look like er auction flag. 

Smooth. Look at that chest! 

Muldoon (throws out chest). 

Smooth. Look at those feet! 

Muldoon (has one foot over the other, like a horse — 
with exaggerated bashfulness). Oh, sor! 

Abigail. Well, what can we do for you, officer — er — ? 
(In tone of hinting for a person's last name.) 

Muldoon. "Muldoon," ma'am. (Bows — nearly falls.) 
Will, ye see, ma'am, there's an escaped convict hidin' in the 
neighborhood — 

Abigail and Snowdrop (both scream together). 

Muldoon.— an' we've ordhers t' sear-r-rch ivry house 
on th' block. 

Abigail. An escaped convict! Oh, Timothy ! 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 27 

Muldoon. Ye haven't seen annythin' av 'im, have ye, 
sor? 

Smooth. If he isn't in this room he isn't in the house. 
I give you my word of honor on that, officer. 

Muldoon. Will, Oi hope ye'll excuse me fer botherin' 
ye, sor. 

Smooth {very politely). Don't mention it. I'm always 
ready to drop whatever I'm doing when I see a policeman. 

Muldoon. Sure, that's viry kind av ye, sor. 

Smooth. Not at all. I have the greatest respect for 
(bozvs low) an officer of the law. 

Muldoon. Sure it's blarneyin' me ye are, sor. (Very 
much overcome by the flattery.) Good-day, ma'am. Good- 
day, sor. (Makes low bow — trips over feet — nearly falls — 
gets very confused.) 

Smooth. Snowdrop, show the gentleman out. 

Muldoon (swells up and exits majestically, L.). 

Snowdrop (exit L. behind him imitating walk). 

Abigail (crosses to Smooth). Oh, Timothy. There's 
something about a policeman that always upsets me! 

Smooth (she is in his arms — pats her on head). Yes, 
dear — I've been upset by them myself. 

Professor appears on upper landing, clad in Smooth's 
convict suit. 

Abigail. You don't think there's any dan — (she is on 
Smooth's left, a little down stage of him, his left arm about 
her. As she speaks she turns to look up into his face and 
sees Professor in convict suit on landing. She breaks off 
and runs screaming off door R.) 

Snowdrop enters L. just before Abigail screams. 

Smooth (gazing R. after Abigail). What the — 
Snowdrop (Abigail's scream directs her gaze upstairs, 
and she, too, sees Professor in convict suit — screams and 
runs off L.). 

Smooth (at Snowdrop's scream, directly behind him, he 
jumps as though shot, turns L. and gazes after Snow- 
drop). I wonder if this is a bug-house? 



28 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Professor (coming downstairs). Doctor Kidder, have 
my clothes been fumigated ? 

Smooth (turns R., sees Professor. Chokes with laugh- 
ter, puts hand over mouth and turns away L. up stage, 
shoulders shaking). 

Professor. I suppose I must look very ridiculous in this 
masquerade ball costume. That is what it is, I presume ? 

Smooth (crossing down). Yes, it's a ball costume, all 
right — ball-and-chain. 

Muldoon (rushing in L. all out of breath). I big yer 
par-r-rdon, sor, fer botherin' ye agin, but th' captain sint 
me back, sor. A suspicious lookin' characther wuz sane 
comin' in yer front dure, sor — a quare little owld man — ■ 
(sees Professor, crosses and grabs him with a vicious 
yank). Aha! Here ye are, me beauty! 

Professor. But, officer — 

Muldoon. Don't yez be afther buttin' me, yez bald- 
headed owld billy-goat! Ain't he th' vicious lookin' divil. 
though! Come on wid me! (Starts to drag Professor off 

Smooth (stopping him). Pardon me, Sergeant! 

Muldoon {busi)iess of being flattered by title). 

Smooth. But do you know what house this is? 

Muldoon. Sure, Oi know 'tis the house av an iligant 
gintleman, sor ! 

Smooth. How long have you been on this beat? 

Muldoon. Sure, 'tis not me bate at all, sor. Oi was 
detailed here today on spicial dooty t' capture this dis'prate 
crimmynil. (Has Professor by collar, yanks him hard.) 

Smooth. Ah, that explains your ignorance of the fact 
that this house is the private asylum of Doctor Josh Kidder 
and this poor unfortunate man is one of my patients. 

Muldoon (satisfied with explanation, releases Profes- 
sor). Oho! Oi see. (Suddenly becomes suspicious again.) 
But wot's he doin' wid th' sthriped soot ? 

Smooth. Sh! (Takes him aside.) It's a sad case, Lieu- 
tenant. 

Muldoon (same business of swelling up), 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 29 

Smooth. He has a hopeless form of animalitis. 

Muldoon. Anny-mile-eatus ? 

Smooth. Yes. He thinks he's a zebra. We have to 
humor him or he gets wild. We took the suit away from 
him one day, and he ran out in the street and bit a police- 
man in the leg. (Sadly.) Poor fellow! It had to be ampu- 
tated. 

Muldoon (getting nervous, edges toward door L.). Will 
— er — will — er — er — (chokes — very abruptly) good-day, 
sor. (Exit hastily, L.). 

Smooth (turns and gazes reproachfully at Professor — 
speaks with gentle sadness). See, oh see, what you have 
made me do ! You — you, whom I loved and trusted like a 
brother — you have caused me to prevaricate, to utter false 
statements — me, whom as a child they called Truthful 
Charles! Oh, my friend! (Chokes with sob — takes out 
handkerchief.) How could you, how could you? (Puts 
handkerchief to eyes and turns away. TJiis speech must 
of course be worked very fast, but absolutely dramatic — 
this will put it over much bigger than deliberately trying 
for comedy.) 

Professor (takes Smooth's hand in both of his). Oh, 
my dear, good, kind, noble, self-sacrificing friend! I know 
yon have saved me from eternal disgrace ! How can I ever 
repay you? 

Smooth (zmpes tears away — still speaks sadly and swal- 
lows, like one who has been weeping bitterly). Since the 
decline of public interest in dancing (or any current public 
crarjc) the asylum has been doing very poor business. If 
you could spare a ten-dollar bill, or even a twenty (in a tone 
as though mentioning a smaller bill), it would go far 
towards healing a bruised and aching heart. 

Professor. Indeed, I would gladly give you ten times 
that amount for the service you have just rendered me. 
but when I purchased my ticket in Jacksonville I found 
that I had only just enough to get here. I had inadvertently 
left my wallet in my other coat when I packed my trunk — 
and that, you know, has been stolen. 



30 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Smooth (carelessly starts his hand towards breast-pock el 
of Professor's coat which he is wearing. Tries to speak in 
very casual tone) Was there — ahem — much in it? 

Professor. Five one-hundred-clollar bills. 

Smooth (brings hand a little way out of his pocket and 
shows a thick wallet to audience — keeps side of coat toward 
Professor pulled out with other hand so as to act as a 
screen between Professor and wallet. When Professor 
mentions amount, Smooth works up shock. Speaks in 
brokoi, semi-hysterical manner.) Five one-hundred-dollar 
bills, eh? Five one-hun — {tugs at collar — swallows hard — 
passes hand over brow.) Does it — ahem — does it seem 
rather warm in here to you? 

Professor. Well, to say the truth, in my present garb / 
am rather chilly. 

Smooth. Ah, true — how thoughtless of me! Go up to 
your nice warm room. And take my advice, get rid of that 
Wall Street disguise. Suppose Muldoon came back — pic- 
ture yourself walking up the street with a lot of little boys 
after you ! 

Professor (starts quickly for stairs). Oh, horrible! I'll 
do just as you say — I'll get rid of it at once. (Goes up- 
stairs.) 

Smooth {to himself). Five one-hundred-dollar bills! 
(Looks out over audience as though in a trance.) 

Professor (on second landing). Oh, doctor! 

Smooth (comes out of trance with a jump and' wheels 
around). Eh? 

Professor. You'll have my clothes sent up to me as 
soon as they've been fumigated, won't you ? 

Smooth. Sure. But it takes time — they have to be fried 
in a vacuum. 

Professor. Oh, dear, oh, dear, what a terrible experi- 
ence this has been! Oh dear! Oh dear! (Exit' muttering on 
second landing off R.) 

Smooth (solus). A clean get-away, a new suit of clothes. 
a beautiful head of hair, and five hundred bucks! Smooth, 
my boy, you ought to have been a lawyer. 



WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 31 

Abigail and Snowdrop simultaneously poke heads in, 
Abigail, R., Snowdrop, L. 

Abigail. Is that awful man gone? 
Snowdrop. Am de bugler vamoosed? 
Smooth. Gone where the woodbine twineth. 

Abigail and Snowdrop enter. Snowdrop crosses to near 
stars. 

(Convict suit comes flying over balustrade and hits 
Snowdrop. The suit must be made in one piece and have 
weights sown inside of coat collar, around bottom of coat, 
in sleeves, and in bottoms of trousers, so that it will fly 
-a<]ien thrown, otherwise it will fall short and land on stairs.) 

Snowdrop (screams and jumps back). 

(This is the beginning of the "finish" and from here on 
the action must be as rapid as possible without a second's 
pause.) 

Abigail (sees suit and screams). He's still in the house! 
Snowdrop, get the pistol out of the kitchen ! 

Snowdrop (rushes madly off L.). 

Abigail. I'll get father's old gun! (Rushes wildly off 

Smooth. The war is on! If that bull's beat it, here's 
where little Willie fades. (Crosses to window and looks 
out.) 

Professor (comes down the stairs — has one arm full of 
bundles, the long-handled botanist's net over his head, hat 
on top of net, wears only his hat and shirt, and has over- 
coat about his waist, holding it with one hand behind him, 
like an apron, the arms of the coat dangling about his legs). 
Doctor ! Doctor ! Are my clothes fried ? Oh dear, I'm so 
nervous ! I cannot remain here any longer ! Doctor ! Where 
are you? Oh dear, I'm so nervous! (Works L.) 

Snowdrop enters L. with big old-fashioned t86i model 
Colt. 

Snowdrop. Git outer hyeah ! (Fires pistol at Profes- 
sor.) 



32 WHO'S CRAZY NOW? 

Professor (tumbles backward). Good Lord! She's rav- 
ing! How can I get away? (Runs R.) 

Abigail enters R. with large old-fashioned blunderbuss. 

Abigail. Go 'way, yon villain! (Fires at Professor.) 

Professor. Merciful heavens! (Drops bundles in a heap 
and dashes wildly about.) 

Smooth (comes down from window — takes hat off Pro- 
fessor's head and puts it on his own). Pardon me, old top. 
(Pulls coat from about Professor's waist, revealing him in 
shirt and underwear — crosses up to window.) 

Professor (runs madly upstairs with shirt-tail flying). 

Abigail (faints in chair R.). 

Snowdrop (at L., jumps up and down in glee). 

Smooth. Who's crazy now? (Steps through window 
and, laughing heartily, disappears down fire escape.) 

Quick Curtain. 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List ot Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free 



FARCES, COMEDIETAS. Etc 
Price 25 Cents Each 

M. F. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 
Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min 1 2 

Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 

35 min 11 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. S 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 

Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 

Great Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12* 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

Honest Peggy, 25 min........ 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Just Like a Woman, 35 min... 3 3 

Last Rehearsal, 25 rain 2 3 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min.... 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mis. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stupbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Paper Wedding, 30 min 1 5 

Pat's Matrimonial Venture, 25 

min 1 2 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Sewing for the Heathen, 40 

min 9 

Shadows, 35 min 3 4 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. • 7 

Taking Father's Place. 30 min. 5 3 
Teacher Kin I Go Home, 35 

min 7 3 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Two Ghosts in White. 20 min . . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake. 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades, 40 min 3 6 

Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss? 30 min 3 6 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
..Price 15 Cents Each 

April Fools. 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 15 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Before the Play Begins, 15 

min 2 1 

Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 3 

Country Justice. 1 5 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel. 20 min.... 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 



M. F. 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min ... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min 2 2 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

It Might Happen, 20 min 1 1 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 
Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 
Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Curl's Moder, 10m. 1 
Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min. . 4 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 

Sunnv Son of Italv, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 
Vait a Minute 2 

BLACK-FACE PLAYS 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 

min 10 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min. ..22 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 
Coontotvn Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 
Darktown Fire Brigade, 25m.. 10 
Good Mornin' Judgre, 35 min.. 9 2 

Hungry, 15 min 2 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
What Happened to Hannah, 15 

min 1 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison's Catalogue 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,! 54 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



POPULAR ENTERTAI 

Illustrated Paper Covers. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

IIMHIilHP 

016 215 003 

-- m WfltW 



*V 



QTCHY COMIC 
MALOGU&S 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 60,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
T\\ . Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 



Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos. 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 1 1 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Christmas Entertainer. 

Novel and diversified. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

The Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,viathe Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories , jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 



T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 1 54 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



